Last week I was musing on the importance of taking time each day to pause and reflect.
This is useful time – time to be still, to reflect on how we are and therefore what we might need. To acknowledge what we are thankful for, to notice where we have been present that day to those we love.
Another observation I have made these past weeks is the importance of being kind.
Kindness matters.
We know this, and kindness was a theme that surfaced often throughout the pandemic. You can read more on my lockdown musings on kindness here.
There are truly horrific and terrifying events happening just now in our world. I am reminded of Jacinda Ardern, the Prime Minister of New Zealand talking about the importance of showing kindness in the face of seemingly insurmountable troubles and horrors. She talks about looking outward and beyond ourselves, which is a lovely definition of kindness and reminds us again of why kindness matters.
What has been interesting to me in this season of grief we find ourselves in, is how that kindness has manifested itself specifically. Two things have struck me here.
Firstly, a profound and empathic perspective.
I have had conversations with friends who themselves have walked with grief recently. These precious folk have a perspective that brings a level of depth and empathy that has resonated profoundly. One commented that when they experienced a shocking death, a friend observed to them that their own behaviour would become kinder as a result. You suddenly see what matters in startling clarity, and this can allow us to see and value others in a deeper way. We see need, we see emotional fragility in others. And we extend kindness in the form of a listening ear, a kind word, a gentle gesture. Perhaps we would have done this before, but the depth of our own loss and awareness of human frailty opens the way for kindness towards others.
That form of kindness matters – it says,
I see you, I understand something of what you are experiencing, I am there in that with you without judgement or expectation.”
For our family, kindness has included words of insight that have given voice to troubled emotions and brought understanding and clarity.
Kindess matters too in the form of practical and thoughtful help and gestures. It goes above and beyond and not only anticipates what the recipient might be feeling and therefore what they might need, but also provides the remedy.
Secondly, I am inspired to show kindness differently.
This is relevant in so many walks of life. We can show kindness to anyone in any way – a smile, a kind word, an expression of thanks. These small gestures are important and bring can improve the well-being of the giver as well as the recipient. There is lots here on the mental health benefits of kindness.
I am inspired to seek to continue to walk each day with greater softness and kindness, and not just to forget and go back to normal busyness of life where we can be so focused on what we are doing that we don’t always take that little extra time.
Futhermore, when have walked in the shoes of the person in front of us, we are able to show empathic kindness in a way that brings greater depth of blessing and connection.
There are things I now understand about loss and grief that were only theoretical concepts before. I had the privilege of hearing from a grief coach a couple of years back, and her wisdom stays with me. Grief is not linear, and although the stages of grief as identified by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross are relevant, they are not a neatly lined up process that we go through and come out the other end of as if to say, right that’s us done, we can move on with our lives now.
Grief is an intensely personal experience.
Who are we to judge how someone else should be experiencing their own grief.
My grief coach friend also commented that we tend to experience and express loss and grief in keeping with our personalities. Someone with extravert preferences is likely to want to talk about it, whereas someone with more intravert tendencies will struggle with lots of well meaning questions and vocalised concern.
Of course this is nothing new and these are generalisations. But it causes me to reflect on how quickly we jump to provide support or kindness to others perhaps on our terms without always stopping to get under their skin and intuit what they really need. I am reminded of the importance of stopping, noticing and paying heed to who the other person is and how they might respond.
So this week, as you reflect on where kindness matters in your own life, choose to show it in ways that really express understanding and empathy towards the other person.
The world is a mess and it might feel that anything we can do is a mere drop in the ocean. But I don’t think kindess is ever wasted and you never know the impact you will have.